Rediscovering Your Social Life As A New Parent

06 Oct Rediscovering Your Social Life As A New Parent

As a new parent, how often do you think about your mental health or mental well-being? I know that for me, I prioritize everything else until my stress and anxiety become too much for me to handle. As a first time mom, I am constantly aware of and focused on my baby. This leaves me with less time for myself or even for the people I care about. I know that this takes a toll even on the mental health and mental well-being of my partner. My partner also struggles with symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Before motherhood, I was a very social person. I came from a large, extended family with several cousins I was close to. I also had a large circle of friends. There were many people who I loved to spend time with. Every day, I would spend hours building my social life network. Whether it was my work friends, college friends, childhood friends, or even my partner’s friends whom I had grown close with. The same was true for my partner as well. And thankfully we all got along well with each other.

Our house was the hub of our group. We always had people over and we loved it. As soon as my partner and I would get back from work, we would ask our friends to come over. We would go for movies, host dinner parties, have game nights, or even plan group trips that we all would take. Both my partner and I had never realized how much of our mental health and mental well-being was related to our socializing. 

During pregnancy, this slowly started changing. I had several complications. This meant spending time in and out of the hospital. I was also asked to slow down and take a lot of bed rest. I couldn’t even have a baby shower and had to cancel all the plans my friends had been making. My partner and I were dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety related to our baby. We wanted to be a happy family, and so we took extra precaution and made sure to follow all the advice of our doctors.

Our friends and family were extremely supportive and understanding. They gave us the space we needed. The trips, the dinner parties, the game nights, all stopped. I started to feel lonely and isolated as our interactions cut down drastically, and we barely saw them unless it was a special occasion. For almost six months, we didn’t have much contact with them. We were so focused on building our own little world and our social circle was also excited for us. 

However, as the days passed by, it started to take a toll on us. We didn’t notice it at first. I blamed my pregnancy hormones rather than recognizing the symptoms of anxiety and depression I was experiencing. I became low and withdrawn. I was cranky and easily irritable. More often than not I would fight and argue with my partner. 

There were days when I would have an overwhelming fear of being a mother. I was worried about all the possible mistakes I could make in the future. I felt embarrassed and guilty for having such thoughts, and so I didn’t share them with my partner. I knew I could have shared them with my best friends as they wouldn’t judge me, but would instead support me. Yet, I didn’t get a chance to meet them or share how I was feeling with them. I felt so alone, despite having my partner there with me. 

Having easy access to social media didn’t help. My friends and family were still meeting up with each other, they were just doing it without us. Initially, my partner would also go for these interactions. They would always be sure to call me or video chat with me to make me feel included. But it made me feel worse because I was not actually present, and it felt isolating. I felt like they were calling me out of pity, and when those calls ended I would end up crying or getting very angry. When my partner realized the toll this was taking on my mental health they too stopped going for these hang out sessions and instead spent time with me.

That made it worse! From just feeling isolated, I also started feeling guilty , as I knew my partner enjoyed going out just like me but was sacrificing it to make me feel better. In the process, they would also end up experiencing the same loneliness like I did. I was right and this loss of social contact just made my partner resentful towards me. We started bickering and eventually, we reached a stage where we were constantly arguing about small and trivial things. At one point, we even argued about how loud their breathing was! We had been considered an ideal couple for ‘couple goals’ by our entire social network, but if anyone saw us at that point, they would have been shocked.

When our baby was finally born, we were both overjoyed. We promised each other that we would work on our relationship, and would put an end to all our petty, childish fights. Our baby was everything we had hoped for and more. Although I did wonder that being a new mom, would I have stress and anxiety thinking about whether my baby would sleep through the night, or eat properly, or if they would cry excessively.

 

 

That never happened though. Our little bundle of joy was an angel. They ate like a champ, slept properly, and almost never cried. My partner and I were so delighted. It was a much needed relief for us and greatly improved our mental well-being.

However, for the first few days, the baby and I were still kept in isolation. When we were finally given a clean bill of health by the doctor, my partner suggested I call our group of friends and family. I felt it would be a good change and I could finally have my friends around. But, surprisingly, I began to feel a lot of stress and anxiety, which was strange. After disappearing for almost six months, how could I suddenly show up and ask them to come to meet me and the baby. 

My thoughts started becoming more erratic and I started to worry about my baby again. What if one of my friends was sick, and they passed on their illness to our baby. The pandemic was still not completely over, what if something happened to our baby. My partner could recognize the rising intensity of my symptoms of anxiety and depression. They calmed me down and promised we didn’t have to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with. But they also reminded me of how different our lives were before having our baby. I argued with them, and they agreed with my points of view. They suggested we try relationship counseling to first deal with our own arguments. I was apprehensive but when my partner insisted, I finally agreed and we started with online couples therapy.

Our first session seemed pretty uneventful. Nothing really happened as we had expected it to. All we did was just talk. And the first thought that came to my mind was – Did we just pay for this? Couldn’t we do this with our friends as we have always done? Talk our heart out I mean! 

But our therapist was wonderful. They said something which we had never been told by our inner circle. They recognized patterns in our arguments and realized that both my partner and I were missing our social life and were feeling frustrated. And we had never even realized it, like really? They encouraged us to not think in black and white. We had gone from spending almost all our free time with our friends and loved ones, and now we had completely cut them out. Of course this was taking a toll on our mental well-being and mental health. They recommended that we find a middle ground, and take baby steps to rebuild and rediscover our social lives as new parents. They also helped us reset our expectations of our social life. They helped us understand that we could still maintain our relationships, but our priorities would be different now.

We reflected together on what our couples therapist told us. We decided to take their advice and started with shorter and smaller interactions. One small change at a time was the mantra! Instead of calling our entire group, we would call people over in smaller groups. Most of our friends and family were understanding and responsive. 

Of course there were some friends and relatives who did not visit. They were upset about our absence in the last few months. There were also some who said they weren’t baby people and they would be uncomfortable around our baby. We understood, as every person has their own life, and we didn’t want to force anyone. While we weren’t thrilled about this, our therapist had prepared us that we may lose some of our friends and loved ones. 

I did have a few arguments with some of my cousins and childhood friends who claimed that I had changed after having a baby. They argued that I no longer cared about them, and had become selfish. I had some colleagues who told me I was giving up on my career and had made a mistake by having a baby at the time. I was absolutely floored by these comments and they took a huge toll on my mental health. I began to second guess my decisions, and went into a spiral of shame.

My partner too struggled with some close friends who reacted not so positively. They made fun of my partner and said that men shouldn’t be so caught up in household work and child rearing. My partner was also upset by these comments. Both of us couldn’t believe that we had been friends with these people for so long, yet we never recognized or understood their true nature. 

Both of us were so upset, but our relationship counselor helped us deal with these situations, and helped us to shift our focus to the positives. They told us to enjoy the time we spend with those who were supporting us. We went forward with their advice and invited the rest of our friends. When they did come, both my partner and I laughed off our previous worries. They were so supportive, and were much more cautious than even we were with our baby. 

My best friend washed or sanitized her hands every 20 minutes while spending time with our baby. Not just that, all our friends were so mindful of not letting anything happen to the baby. My partner’s cousin declined our invitation to come to see our baby as their colleague had been sick and they didn’t want to accidentally pass anything on to our baby. One morning when the milkman rang the bell and woke up the baby, our father-in-law scolded the milkman for being so careless. 

 

 

My partner and I were delighted to have our friend group back. We were pleasantly surprised by the excitement they had about our baby. We had cut ourselves off from them for so long that we didn’t realize it. They were more than happy to suggest baby names and told us over and over again how perfect our little baby was.

More than that, our friends understood my concerns of being a new mother.  They often brought food, or would cook for us, along with plenty of clothes and toys for our little one. They would take turns looking after the baby and would allow me and my partner to take naps and rest. They would also take care of many household chores while we slept. 

But, it still wasn’t the same as the old days. We were one of the only couples to have a baby in our friend circle. When our friends left our house, they were still going out for movies, parties and fancy dinners. While we stayed home. We felt disappointed, but our therapist helped us realize that this was a middle-ground. This was where and how we were rediscovering our social life network as new parents.  Both my partner and I felt so supported once we realized just how much everyone was looking forward to helping us. Our mental well-being started to improve. We still continued our couples therapy, as we didn’t want to fall back into old patterns of arguing and bickering over trivial matters.

I realized that despite how much I loved our friends, and how much we appreciated them. There were still some things, both my partner and I did not feel comfortable sharing with them. It was hard for us to explain in words, but they didn’t understand all the intricacies of being a new mother and the challenges that motherhood brings.

We were able to discuss this in our online couples therapy session and our therapist suggested joining a support group for new moms. I joined the support group they mentioned and found that I was able to connect with other moms. We were also able to find several things in common and we were able to form a bond.

While I still loved my friends, and appreciated the concern they had for me, it felt good to be friends with other moms. I didn’t feel like I was losing out on relationships. My relationship dynamic with my friends had changed a little, but they were still an integral part of my life. My relationship with my partner had changed too, but it was much stronger, and from being life partners we were now parents, with a little baby to take care of, and I had a new set of friends with whom I could share my concerns.

Both my partner and I have seen a remarkable improvement in our mental health and mental well-being. Having so much social support helped us better manage our stress and anxiety and helped reduce our symptoms of depression and anxiety. Further seeking online couples therapy helped us improve our marital relationship. This helped me to have a smooth transition into motherhood and eased my journey into being a new mom.